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Fifty Shades of Crap

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So, hey! I’m still here, all three of you who visit my blog. Having just survived Tax Season 2012 I suddenly have much more time on my hands…so here I am.

Besides working a lot there hasn’t been much going on with me really. Except, oh my God, Vampire Diaires. I can’t believe how much I love that show. And I cannot believe that they’re killing off my second favorite character, Alaric. Although I guess it’s all good because the actor is getting the lead in a new show, but how that benefits ME…I have yet to see. This better be a good show, buddy.

Anyway with only two shows left this season I am once again just blown away by the writers who put the Vampire Diaries together every week. These people never fail to deliver a show that’s scary and funny and yes, even touching and OH MY GOD you just never know what the fuck is going to happen next! Seriously, every week my friend Darline and I text eachother during the show. Here is how every session goes, every week…

Oh shit!
Did NOT see that coming.

Every. Week.

So yeah, I love that show.

And I have managed to go through quite a few books in the last few months, but I want to talk about the one that everyone is talking about.

My Mom is in her 70′s but you totally wouldn’t know it by looking at or talking to her. Most of the time. Unless she’s on one of her “I’m so old” kicks and we’re all shut up, woman. Look at Betty White. So that Mom called me a few weeks ago and asked me to order Fifty Shades of Grey for her from Amazon and I’m all Um, that’s porn. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against porn and I’m really just about the farthest thing from a prude that you can find. So I felt the need to clarify to my Mom that it’s badly written porn. And THAT is just inexcusable.

If you’ve managed to miss this book so far, good job! I can catch you up – Stupid, virginal and klutzy college student, Bella Anastasia meets hot, dangerous, rich, hot and sexy Edward Christian. Did I mention that we was HOT? Yeah, well get used to that word because this author lets you know that he’s hot about fifty bazillion times in this book. We get it. Hot.

I had read about twenty pages and right away noticed the similarities between the main characters here and those in Twilight. I first thought it was just a blatant Twilight knockoff but it’s even worse than that – It was written as Twilight fan fiction. And is like number one on the Bestseller list. So think Twilight without the sparkly vampires and then imagine Edward is into bondage and spanking. And that Edward is kind of an abusive asshole with all sorts of emotional issues. And then Bella and Edward have a lot of sex. Now you know exactly what this book is about. Really, that’s the plot. Oh and the best part? It’s really, really poorly written.

I’ve said before that I’m a fan of anything that gets people reading but even I can’t get behind this awful book. And I’m so in the minority here it is laughable. I was looking on Amazon and you wouldn’t believe the number of people that used some form of “The Best Book That I’ve Ever Read” in their review. Scary stuff.

Soooooo imagine my horror when I saw who is supposedly being considered for the role of Edward Christian for the movie. Ready for this?

Damon

Dude, you are killing me.

Because now I’m going to HAVE to see it.

Thanks a lot, Ian. Thanks a lot.


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